Understanding intent is key to improving the quality of communication. This post describes the four types of intent in detail and provides useful tips for people who want to display positive intent.
There are four types of intent that underlie all communication: affirming, controlling, defending, and withdrawing. Everyone displays all four types of intent, but the object of excellent communicators is an affirming intent.
Here’s what each type of intent feels like.
An affirming intent feels like this: Your mind is open, your body feels relaxed and confident, you feel open to hearing other points of view, you feel you’re in a position of strength because you have a high level of confidence in the people around you. You know that the best outcome is likely to come when everyone is sharing his or her points of view openly, no matter how challenging, letting the best rationale win the day.
A controlling intent feels like this: Your mind is focused on achieving a specific outcome and advocating a specific position; you want to limit debate and discussion and options; you’re not all that receptive to other points of view. Your body is somewhat stressed, you certainly don’t feel relaxed. You’re not confident that an open sharing of viewpoints will result in an outcome that is best – probably because you sense a conflict between your agenda and other people’s.
A defending intent feels like your mind is back-pedaling. You’re trying to defend a position against what you perceive to be an attack. You can feel the emotion inside triggering higher levels of adrenaline. Your focus is on protecting yourself against an opponent whom you perceive to be formidable. Your pride and your reputation feel at stake. Typically your communication becomes shriller and more barbed, less relaxed and less productive.
A withdrawing intent feels like this: You feel burnt up. You have stopped talking and listening. You’d like to get up and walk out. Mentally you already have. The only thing preventing you from physically removing yourself is the feeling that it would cause further embarrassment and damage to your reputation. Communication is done for the day until you have a chance to regroup and get a clearer perspective on your value to the group.
It’s easy to have an affirming intent when you feel comfortable with the people around you. When your intent is affirming, then your communication is naturally open, relaxed, and friendly. You are curious to hear other people’s ideas; you’re open to sharing your own. In short, you’re a brilliant communicator.
The challenge comes when you feel threatened. All of a sudden your intent shifts into a controlling or defending mode. If things go badly, your intent might shift further into withdrawal. The sooner you can shift back, the better. The trick is to make yourself aware of the change in your intent, decide to do something about it, and then take the right course of action.
|Lesson 6: The Matrix of Communication Styles
|Lesson 8: Four Authentic Communication Skills